Toronto: city of angry commie feminists
Given the warm response to a recent article in the National Post on gender relations by Canada’s Moral Compass Christie Blatchford, I was inspired to write my own reflections on the subject, absorbing and applying Christie’s inspired worldview and her unique writing style to the best of my ability.
Like Christie, I also went to Toronto recently so that I could use it as a trope in a column. As I wandered the highways and byways of Hogtown, it suddenly struck me that the female of our species is in need of some serious softening up.
I was dragging the shih tzu up the nicer half of Kensington Avenue – I try to avoid the dingier parts, for reasons that are surely obvious – when I came across a couple of girls, no more than 12 years old, walking along the very same street as I. I stopped and watched with mounting curiosity, mingled with trepidation, as these girls encountered two boys of roughly the same age walking the opposite way down the street.
The two groups met and the kids began to chat. Imagine my reaction when not one of the girls curtsied to the boys. The butchy commie-feminist types would have been ever so pleased; I was not. On the contrary, I was shocked. Shocked and appalled.
Of course, this all occurred around the time poor Herman Cain was being ensnared in a series of sexual harassment allegations, all of which were swallowed whole by the notoriously pro-non-sexual-harassment feminist-dominated liberal media machine.
Seriously, what ever happened to that simpler, bygone time when a politician could engage in a bit of not-totally-coerced hanky-panky with members of the secretarial pool without having to look over his shoulder for fear of being caught and unfairly exposed as morally corrupt by all those misguided Johnny do-gooders in the mainstream media?
Also, I blame Barack Obama.
The result of such misguided, ethically infused reporting is that women are systematically being taught that it’s okay to blow the whistle on sexual harassment in the workplace, even when the supposed perp is a powerful male. Things are so bad now that actual work takes a back seat to creating a safe environment for women in the workplace. In fact, it’s clear that anti-harassment activities are a huge drain on the nation’s productivity. Any economist who agrees with me will tell you as much.
But I digress.
I think part of the reason that it’s a terrible time to be a serial sexual harasser like Herman Cain – hang on, I know that this seems like another digression, but stay with me, because I’ll totally Blatchford it back together in another couple hundred words – is that angry commie-feminists hate sexually active men these days. Because they’re entirely the same thing. It’s impossible for men to be sexually active without doing a little harassment – amirite girls? – and that just drives the feminist media establishment up the wall.
Toronto – and here I’m using the city of Toronto as a proxy for commie-feminists everywhere – likes its men neutered. Because real, football-loving, beer-swilling, non-effete-urban-liberal men are always going to have occasional moral lapses with attractive younger female coworkers, and the feminist-dominated liberal media cannot tolerate that.
Of course, rape is totally wrong. But heavens to Betsy, I am really getting tired of these women running around who think they don’t have to put up with any unwanted male attention, who are so far out of touch with their feminine side that it doesn’t even occur to them to be permissive and submissive when confronted with a sexually dominant alpha male. I’m just plain sick of women who talk back to men, who give their opinions whether men ask for them or not.
To try and stem this terrible defeminizing tide, let me offer a few ideas about how we could make the world more like the way I like to pretend it used to be. Think Mad Men, but with fewer strong female characters.
Oh wait, before I do that let me go back to that rape thing. The best way to stop a rapist is not to go crying to the police, because they will only read the rapist his rights and coddle him in our effete-liberal-dominated justice system. No, the best way to stop a rapist is to rape him right back. Take him out for a short pounding. Not the victim, of course, but someone else. After all, this is how society has always responded to rapists. It’s in the bible and everything.
Now back to that list of reminders about how to make the world more like the way I wish it once was:
First, it’s possible to be an assertive woman without speaking in a strong assertive tone. Honestly, all you assertive liberal career women sound to me like cats fighting over a dead fish head.
Second, women should all wear skirts. They serve as a constant helpful reminder of your natural, God-given femininity. They also help with the curtsying.
Third, being an assertive woman is fine. Honestly, some of my best friends are assertive women! Just don’t let anyone see or hear you doing it.
Fourth, I know women have ambitions too. I just don’t need to know much more than that. On any list of the 25 Things Every Woman and Girl Should Know How To Do, acting like men’s equals is not one of them. Crocheting is. Kissing is. Giggling on cue is. Making cookies is. Playing the pianoforte is. Acting like men’s equals is not.
Feel free to give this list to your daughters. You can thank me later.